I know it's a little late for most holidays but I thought I'd say it anyways. *Wishful thinking? If you lived in AZ it would be to you too*
It's been a crazy week considering I've been preparing for 3 different Christmases (my mom's, dad's and extended family) while also trying to maintain some sanity... Between babysitting, running around, and taking care of whatever else is needed I'm about ready for a vacation of my own haha. But in the end it is all paying off and there is an end in sight.
As mentioned in my previous post, my great grandma's memorial will be this Tuesday, December 29th at 11am. For the address and/or directions, just shoot me a message (via facebook or gmail).
Hmmm... don't really have much to report. I'll try again some other time when I'm more awake.
On December 12, 2009, a little over a week ago my great grandmother aka Granny had a stroke. And at 94 years old, there wasn't much that could be done, it was her time. She passed away Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 9:20am. At 22 yrs old I had never lost anyone close to me nor had I really ever put enough thought into what I believed about life after death. And while this has been one of the most difficult times of our lives, I am coming to appreciate that this experience has allowed me to truly begin to evaluate my priorities and who I am.
Following Granny's stroke was around the clock care not only from the wonderful people working in the hospice home but from several members of the family. We were all told the circumstances and together took the time to say our goodbyes. I continued to visit throughout the week in order to spend the time with family and provide all the support that I could offer. On one hand I was witnessing firsthand the matriarch of our family... our pillar of strength, knowledge, loyalty, compassion and example... slowly fade away. Although I have attended funerals and memories, I've never been around the actual process of dying. And seeing the biggest influence on my mom, the person I admire most, slowly fade... was something that no one could ever be prepared for. And on the other hand I experienced the sadness of grief, guilt and remembrance from my family and myself. But do not worry, there were also times of great happiness. Some close members of the family sat together and began to tell the most memorable stories that we'd had together. And in a way, we had our own memorial in her room. To me the best part was... In my short life I have never been in a room with so much love, respect and compassion. Not only in the room, but throughout the hospice house. It was so overwhelming that no matter how sad I felt, I couldn't help but crack an occasional smile.
My mom wrote on December 13, 2009. This is beautiful. "Today, I am so thankful that I have had my Granny close for all of my life. For these next few days, hours, minutes, however long this lasts; I must now deal with learning the lesson that she is transitioning onto her next journey, and i have to let go... It is hardest at these moments to be so thankful for the gift of life, yet so angry at the very gift you are thankful for, because to let go, means to not have... It is hard to watch this life so great and giving, become so weak and frail as life truly is. This woman, my Grandmother has probably been the most prominent mentor in my life. A woman whose strength is beyond measure. Her courage to work through the challenges in her life, and the example she set for me, my children and all those who have come into contact with her. My Grandmother is a remarkable woman. I love her dearly, and respect her for all she has shown me and taught me. If not for her encouragement to treat me 'just like any other kid' I would not be the person I am today. I honor her every day that I am. It is my hope that I can be an example to those who look to me as those who looked to her, with the grace and knowledge that she always expressed. Remember to tell those you love, that you do love them. Everyday... don't let the days, weeks, months pass us by without taking the time to remember who those people are and HOW important they truly are to you."
And although I'm still not sure exactly what I believe, I know that I'll get there someday. What I do know is this...
Eventually everyone comes to regret the time that they didn't spend elsewhere. Experiences they never had and people they'd loved and lost. But that shouldn't stop you and add more regret. To put it simply, life is unpredictable and what is truly important should always remain... important. Don't waste your time being anyone but yourself and don't forget to tell those that have helped you along the way "Thank you, I love you." Your family is your strongest and best support, no matter how different they may be, they are your foundation. So remember to be there for them, because they will always be there for you.
From family I have found some more good advice to live by. "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."
Granny, In your life here on earth you have accomplished so much. In all the ways a person can, you always gave to others and somehow stayed so strong. Your life has been an inspiration and in my life I can only hope to be a little more like you. I know that you are in a better place and I am grateful to be a part of your family. This is for you, I love you.
**There will be a memorial service held December 29, 2009. If you are interested, contact me and I will get you information as it becomes available.
if you guessed Santa Claus than you're absolutely correct!!
**unfortunately there is no 'prize' for being right, besides the satisfaction of being awesome
Seems like Santa is expanding his workforce and needed an extra hand... so I decided why not??
My first gig was a corporate party for employees of a hospital. Made me feel good to put a smile on the faces of the people who save lives every single day. And all I had to do was look cute, smile and be friendly. Piece of cake.
I have an awesome aunt who helped put together my costume and got me all ready to go (this isn't a picture of that night so I'll have to find one, my hair isn't curled and I don't have any no makeup/glitter on)
Who wouldn't want to wear a lime green tutu! You know you wanna!
Overall it was a great new experience. Had some fun, met some new people, and dressed up. I'm glad that I decided to do it.
I did it! This morning... (waaay too early) I got up, took the lightrail to Gateway Community College and took the test that will determine the rest of my life!!!
Now that it's over... the only way that I can think describe how I feel is...
LSAC will email my results in about 3 weeks so I'll keep ya posted! But now... naptime! And coming this week... final exams!?!?
**for those of you that don't know LSAT stands for the Law School Admission Test and is administered by LSAC, the Law School Admission Council about 4 times a year (June, September, December, February). It is a timed test that consists of 5 multiple choice sections and 1 writing section (while this section is not included in your grade, it does accompany your applications), each allowing 35 minutes for completion. And yes... you do pay for this torture marathon (too much!).
So my mom showed me this interesting site that narrows down your beliefs into particular religions. It's pretty interesting, try it out.
"Even if YOU don't know what faith you are, Belief-O-MaticTM knows. Answer 20 questions about your concept of God, the afterlife, human nature, and more, and Belief-O-Matic™ will tell you what religion (if any) you practice...or ought to consider practicing. Warning: Belief-O-Matic™ assumes no legal liability for the ultimate fate of your soul."
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold synopsis is... Susie Salmon, a fourteen-year-old girl, is murdered by her next-door neighbor in suburban Pennsylvania. She tells the story of her family's reaction and subsequent disintegration after her own murder.
It has been turned into a major motion picture, directed by Peter Jackson and is set to be released December 11, 2009. I just finished reading it and I am so excited to see how it turns out. This book is huge so I know they won't be able to include everything but the preview seems to have some real potential.
**note to would be readers... There are a few graphic parts (i.e. the actual murder, and other adult content) so I wouldn't recommend this book for the younger audience
I'm trying to put my thoughts together and all I can come up with is wow... this book is astounding. There is so much sadness and loss. Most of my time reading was spent wondering if I could handle all of it... I couldn't imagine what I would do if any of that were to happen.
You were always hard to hold So letting go ain't easy I'm hanging on but growing cold While my mind is leaving
Talk, talk is cheap Give me a word you can keep Cause you're halfway gone and I'm on way And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way Cause I'm halfway in but don't take too long Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone You got one foot out the door And choking on the other Always think there's something more It's just around the corner
Talk, talk is cheap Give me a word you can keep Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on way And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
If you want me out, then I'm on my way And I'm feelin, feelin feelin this way Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone (wohoww wohoww) I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone (wohoww wohoww) Now I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone Don't take too long, don't take too long Cause I'm on my way If you take too long Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on way And I'm feeling, feelin I'm feelin this way Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
If you want me out, then I'm on my way And I'm feelin , feelin feelin this way Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone (wohoww wohoww) Cause I'm halfway gone, and I'm halfway gone (wohoww wohoww) Cause I'm halfway gone, yeah I'm halfway gone
There isn't a music video yet but you've gotta listen, so here it is!
**update November 28, 2009 I finally found the official video!
Their new album Smoke and Mirrors is set to come out Feb 10, 2010!! I am soooooo excited!
You can go You can start all over again You can try to find a way to make another day go by You can hide Hold all your feelings inside You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry
And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out Try to put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to make things better now that Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud We’ll be better off somehow, someday
Now we wait And try to find another mistake If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind You can run And when everything is over and done You can shine a little light on everything around you Man it’s good to be someone
And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out Try to put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to make things better now that Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud We’ll be better off somehow, someday
I don’t wanna wait I just wanna know I just wanna hear you tell me so Give it to me straight Tell it to me slow
‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out We’ll put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to just to feel better now Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud We’ll be better off somehow, someday
‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice Just how good it can get So maybe we should start all over Start all over, again
‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice Just how good it can get So maybe we should start all over Start all over, again
Yesterday was one of the most rewarding days of my college career.
My pre-law fraternity Phi Alpha Delta participated in a Habitat for Humanity build. We helped with the framing of the roof on a house in Phoenix to a kind, grateful and deserving family. I was up at 6:30am and building by 8am until almost 2pm. It was such an amazing experience. I really felt like something I was doing was making an immediate difference in another persons life. I don't really know how to describe what I was thinking other than that... I can't find the words. But it was nice being a part of such an important group and although I didn't say much I enjoyed just listening and observing.
If you ever get an opportunity to be a part of something like this, take advantage of it. I took more out of it than just another community service project and I hope that everyone can have such a positive experience and know these feelings.
... and yes I am sooo sore! I don't think I've ever performed so much manual labor in 1 day. But it was all totally worth it!
Well... not like the 'take the day off' type because I went to class and did everything I would normally do. And yes I do know that Independence Day in America is the 4th of July but this is something different. Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of when I came to live with my family.
Tuesdays are pretty hectic so I'm just getting a little time to reflect.
Every once in while I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't here. If I stayed in Seoul, South Korea or if I went to one of the other families that was on the waiting list. But no matter how far my mind wanders it always come back to how fortunate I really am.
My family is absolutely amazing. Together we can handle anything that comes our way and they're always there for each other. They are all so strong in their own ways and it's impossible to ever feel alone. They always try to be supportive, no matter how crazy the idea is and I know that they'll always be there just like I try to be for them. We all have our own lives and we're not afraid to go our own way but no matter how far we go there's always a home to come back to. Sure they're a little weird but whose family isn't? One of the things that I admire is that they're not afraid to be who they are. They live their lives with integrity and stay true to themselves.
I am who I am today because I was able to come and be a part of this particular family. And everyday I try to remember and put into practice all of the valuable lessons I've learned.
But what I really wanted to say was:
I couldn't do it without you, thank you. I love all of you.
As you already know, I am interested in law and my stepdad showed me this cool idea Harvard University has started. Its the first class with all the lectures being offered online, for free. The class has to do with justice and is taught by Michael Sandel.
Here is the site http://www.justiceharvard.org/
They even made it a youtube channel so you can view all the lectures http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBdfcR-8hEY
Lately I've been thinking about all the opportunities I've let pass me by and the skills/talents I didn't develop. That leads me to think about the future, my education, career, etcetera. I've had some type of senoritis for at least the last year and I doubt that I'm really doing what I want. But today I got the pick me up I needed.
The work that I want to do, as an adoption lawyer is perfect combination of what I want to do and what I would be good at doing. Helping families begin and grow and giving children opportunities for better lives. Seems like a 'win-win' career to me. I couldn't imagine my life without my family and I am so thankful for the adoption system.
Yesterday I spent the day with my mom. We watched "The Secret Life of Bees." Definitely a great movie. Alicia Keys plays June Boatwright, a cellist. I absolutely love the cello. I think it's the most beautiful sounding instrument and I've always wished that I knew how to play. While watching her play I made a comment that I'd always wanted to play. That I didn't play because I didn't think it'd be practical. My moms reply took me off guard with, "Life is never practical, you just have to enjoy it." Regretting isn't going to change anything. It's one instance where no amount of trying will ever be enough.
"Finding the truth is only half of it. What you do with it is what matters." This profound line comes straight from "The Secret Life Bees" and I've decided to once again re-title my blog.
So I've decided that its time for a change. That I am no longer satisfied with the way things are. And I'm going to do something about it.
Right now I'm reading "Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer and its really helping me to see the world and life in a new light. But it's definitely not an easy to do. Staying consistent and constantly growing is going to be my present challenge.
My thoughts keep going back to the past and its funny that this song randomly played on my ipod. Now it's stuck in my head lol. It's the Goo Goo Dolls and its called "Can't Let It Go"
You said you'd light a candle And you'd say a prayer for me I feel the light has dimmed and gone Half the world is begging While the other half steals Where did everything go wrong?
Some days I can't believe Others, I'm on my knees Trying to be heard
I was your anger And you were my fear Now that it's over Of course it's so clear But you were no angel And I was no sin Somehow I can't let it go I can't let it go
And half the world is sleeping While the other half dreams You close your eyes And then you're gone And maybe my intentions Have been misunderstood I know you feel so beautifully wronged
Some days I can't believe Others, I'm on my knees Hoping I belong
I was your anger And you were my fear Now that it's over Of course it's so clear But you were no angel And I was no sin Somehow I can't let it go I can't let it go
And laughter is my soul's release But we're not smiling anymore And can't we try to win this peace? 'Cause we're never gonna win Never gonna win this war
I was your anger And you were my fear Now that it's over Of course it's so clear But you were no angel And I was no sin Somehow I can't let it go I can't let it go
So my fencing club (GCSF) was on channel 12 news Friday, September 18, 2009 Made my little brother a star :)
For some reason the embedded code isn't working on my blog but here is the web address. I also posted it on my myspace and facebook if we're already friends :)
I will miss you but will let you go When you come to the end of the road And the sun has set for you You want no nights in a gloom filled room Why cry for a soul set free I will miss you but let you go I will not let my head bow to low And remember the love we had That we once shared I will miss you but will let you go For this is a journey we all must take And each must go alone For it is all part of the master plan A step on the road home When I'm lonely or sick at heart I will go to friends we know And bury my sorrows in doing good deeds I will miss you but will let you go I know your time is near I feel it creeping up I'm trying so hard not to be afraid My love to you I send For your suffering will soon end I ask that it is painless And to take my soul with you I will miss you but will let you go..
This is a dedication to a friend who died 23rd april 2005
Lol so not to discredit anything but I found this quiz on facebook (What is your personality?) I still think the results are interesting.
Personality Type 7
You are prone periods of self examination. This is a contrast because you try to appear socially engaged and engaging in a way that convinces others but not always yourself. it is sometimes a faced and you catch yourself doing that. At a gathering you sometimes play a part. You'll be funny and talkative but find yourself detaching, watching everything around you, perhaps unable to engage. You replay conversations in your head, wondering what a person meant when they said such and such. Other people might not care about it, but you do. This inner conflict between self examination and public persona has been mastered through control. You like to show a calm, self assured, fluid kind of stability. But because it's self created you can get frustrated by yourself, noting how you are with other people. You tend to keep people at bay at the past in order to protect yourself, because in the past you have been disappointed by people. You keep people at arms length until YOU decide to let them into the magic circle of your life. However, once across the line, a kind of emotional dependency kicks in which maybe leaves you hurt or dejected if it appears they have betrayed that status. Because of your bouts of self examination, that you find even that hard to examine, which has made you concerned that you don't even know the real you. These facades or sides of yourself which you present to the world make you wonder if you've lost touch with the real you which is naturally quite spontaneous. You're very creative and have tried to utilize this in different avenues. You might not say, paint. But your creativity expresses itself in more subtle ways. You have very vivid ideas for example that are well formed but that others often fail to grasp. You set high standards for yourself. You're a bit of a perfectionist. But that causes problems because you often don't get stuff done because you are so frustrated by mediocrity and are wearied by starting things new every time. But once you're involved , you're sailing. This might have lead you to wanting to write a novel for example, but the fear of not being able to quite do what you set out to achieve stops you getting on with it. You have a real vision of things which others fall short of. You are currently fighting against restraints on your desires to express yourself creatively and freely. One or both of your parents is no longer around or emotionally very distant from you. The relationship with your parents is under some strain. You feel that they don't really understand you, and this is causing frustration from your point of view. You wish to remain fond of them, but they are unaware of your thoughts on the matter. In the past you have been made to feel like a bit of an outsider, perhaps isolated from a certain group you wished to be part of. Now you take the outsider role, defending it by concisely not being part of a group. This could be religious or social in nature. however this attitude will serve your career and creative goals very well. You have enormous cynicism towards this who are part of groups and display cliquey behavior. You are disappointed when a friend displays these traits as deep down it feels like rejection. For all your introspection, you have developed a great sense of humor that makes connections quickly and wittily, but you often make jokes that are so funny that they often go over the heads of others. You go over and rehearse jokes or stories for other people to enjoy. This is a healthy desire to impress others. You hate it when you catch yourself doing this, but don't be too worried about it. I'm getting an odd feeling that you feel you should have been born in a different century or time period. Perhaps you can make more sense of that I can. Strong monetary shifts are taking place right now. Both in the recent past and near future represents quite a change. You're naturally quite disorganized. You may have a box of old photo's or loose photo's not organized into albums perhaps near you bed . Old Medicines. Broken items not thrown away. Notes to yourself that are out of date. Perhaps because you lack motivation sometimes. You are resourceful and talented enough to be successful when you put your mind to something. But you also procrastinate and put things off. You've given up on dreams too easily when your mind has flitted elsewhere. In your home you have evidence of a creative foray into either an instrument or creative writing, perhaps poetry that you have given up on. You have the capacity to see such and such a thing or person is the be all and end all and will be around forever. You'd rather try and fail than to settle for the little that you see others content with. In conclusion. You are a really interesting person, more interesting than most. Something of a conundrum which is no surprise to you. You're bright. Open to life’s possibilities something not normally found among achieving people. It would do well to be less self absorbed and relinquish some of the control you exercise when around others. You could also let people in more. I'm aware from you that you feel that there is a darkness that you think you should hide. Much of this is in the personal, relationship or sexual and is related to a neediness that you don't like. You have an appealing personality. Genuinely.
